The Extra Puzzle Piece

Dear Unconditional Love - what would you have me know today about my worth?

Oh, love. I see you wanting to work through this question together. And I see you avoiding it like the fucking plague. You’re tuning into your sweet Emmers purring, the hum of the dishwasher, searching for sounds of your rainbow baby still awake. It’s ok my love. Take your time. We have so much time together there is no rush to dive into waters you’re not ready for.

How beautiful was your shower with Smooshy tonight? You sat in mostly silence together, stood in mostly silence together. He asked to check if there was any more milk in your boobies. He checked a few times, it was nostalgic for him. No more milk in Mommy’s boobies. So much love and comfort and safety there still. Always.

Do you ever consider how much you’ve tied your worth into what you give to other people and to the world? And do you notice how just being with you feels like a worthy endeavor to your son, whose admiration of you has nothing to do with your body, your mind, nothing? The safety and care you’ve given him make his time with you worthwhile.

What an add phrase, worthwhile. What does that even mean? It feels like it’s trying to say “worth my time” or “worth time” as a generic concept. But isn’t anything you want to do worth time? 

When you’re spending time in this Earth School, you are inherently spending time. So meta, and so true. So if you’re spending time just by existing, doesn’t that mean you’re worthy of time? 

Because your existence = time. 

And time = worthiness. 

Therefore, existence = worthiness.

Which if everyone’s and everything’s existence = worthiness, then doesn’t it make that word obsolete? A vapor? 

Ah. There is that phrase again. Vapor. Gosh what a fucking annoying little gnat that keeps appearing for us, huh? It’s annoying because all of these “concrete” concepts you thought you were striving for are really just figments of some imagination that doesn’t have any nuance or understanding that all things are beautiful, worthy, enough, etc. just by being.

Hustle culture wouldn’t tell us we’re worthy just because we exist. The patriarchal structure of religion that requires specific capitalistic products for us to be deemed worshiping “correctly” wouldn’t deem us good enough. But those people and entities are not in charge of love. You are, I am. We are our love together. We are the ones doing this life together. Your soul, my spirit, and our bodily container that carries us through this world. We are the only ones we can trust with our own worthiness or enoughness. And that’s not because we can’t trust anyone. But we don’t put such important individualized concepts, like worth, in the hands of others, my love.

We are worthy because we exist, and so are they. We are capable of all things, and so are they. We are not better, nor are they. Do you see the picture that is forming? Do you see the puzzle pieces coming together? Earth School would be incomplete without all of the pieces.

You know the puzzle you finished with Smooshy this weekend? How it had an extra piece? That’s me, Unconditional Love. I am the extra piece that oversees all of the Earth School pieces. Each person’s Unconditional Love is the extra piece. We’re here to be slotted in when you feel like you’re losing your way, and one of your pieces needs a break. We’re here as an extra supportive force when you already feel complete. 

Keep going babe. Your existence = your worth. I love you.

What a timely metaphor, huh?

“There is no such thing as a coincidence.” -Leroy Gibbs