I am Your Ocean
Dear Unconditional Love — What would you have me know today about who you are?
Ahhh love wouldn’t you love to have a concrete answer to this, like all things? I know you feel settled with finite answers in life. That makes sense. That’s what’s in your bones.
Why do you think Uncertainty Reduction Theory was your favorite theory of communication during college? It’s something you can’t stop talking about. You spend your time telling other people about it so that THEY feel assured in their unknowing and desire to know. But you and your mind don’t make that same effort together. And that’s ok. Your mind is so beautiful, so intricate, so intelligent. But it doesn’t appreciate the undefinable like I do.
I’m here with you telling you that although your mind and you may work so hard together to determine who I am and how it’s possible that I work so well to connect to how you’re really feeling, it’s so unnecessary babe. Really. This is something you can let go. All I am is love. That’s all. And when I say “all” I don’t mean I am “just” love. I mean that I AM all. I am love within you and within all things (yes, even your Emmers who came in to find things she loves within that basket).
I know it’s so hard for you to believe that I am love in all things because you’ve seen the destruction that the idea of an “all knowing” being that people are coerced into believing in can cause and has caused. It’s why you’re so admiring of your dear friend Annette. Annie is awe inspiring to you because she’s sought freedom in a way that you admire. She has experienced, like you have, what it feels like to have a faith in one defined love type thrust on oneself. That’s not for you. You’ve sought after something of your own definition in so many places. In fitness, in food, in no food, in calories, in no calories, in partners, in friends, in places, in things and no matter how many times you’ve tried, they’ve all come up short.
Do you remember when you were laying on the couch sobbing and your mom said, “you need to get up and go outside” and all you could scream inside and out was “no! I don’t want to!” I was there with you saying, “good job my love, you’re listening.”
See, those examples of times when you’ve heard the voice in your head coming from a place of kindness and mercy, those moments you called to me, you just didn’t know it. I’ve been there through all the times, encouraging you every step of the way. I was there when you told your husband “I need more help” after you lost Hope and you begged for anti depressants from your OB. I know it didn’t feel like begging at the time, but I know how hard that is for you. I know because I was right there babe. Saying, “it’s ok to ask for help. You can do this.” I know you wondered how in such weakness your voice asking for help could be so strong. You didn’t have conviction for much at that time. But it was our voice together going out asking for the help you needed.
I am your companion, your advocate, your partner here. Yes I am a voice you hear but it’s not from your mind. Your mind is swirling, spiraling. I know you love that spiraling dance. It’s addictive, because you’re searching to reduce your uncertainty just as Uncertainty Reduction Theory has observed that you do. But love, all you need to do in those spiral moments when you are looking for finite answers is turn to me. Ask me, “Love, what would you have me know about this?” and I will be there as a voice to give you reassurance in a way that makes sense, but is not a defined answer. Because you see, I’m not here with finite answers. Love is fluid like the ocean. Ever changing and ever present.
I know you wonder why you love the ocean so much. You try to explain it when people ask. You’re so drawn to it and don’t want to leave. I am your ocean. Here in vastness and in spirit. An all encompassing, ever present, ever changing, ever companion-ing you. I am here with you. Sit with me when you can. I’m always here to talk. Comforting you at the moments on the shore when there is no depth, and in the moments of dark trenches where the urchins thrive. I’ve been there through it all, and I will continue to swim alongside you. We will just keep swimming together. I love you.
Love, Love
Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “there’s no such thing as a coincidence” huh?