All The Colors Mix Together, To Gray

Dear Unconditional Love — What would you have me know today?

Oh love, I know you’re worried about caffeine today. That makes sense, it’s addictive. I know it makes you clench your teeth all day AND you enjoy the feeling of feeling powerful when you go to the gym. It’s ok you had caffeine today, it’s ok if you have it any day. 

Caffeine is nostalgic for you. You used to take pre-workout in the afternoon before a workout. You loved that C-4 watermelon. I know you love sweet drinks and I don’t wonder why you’re drawn to them, because I know. You value indulgence. Indulging makes you feel like you deserve something. Deserve to be taken care of, admired, adorned. You can feel those things without caffeine, babe. I know it feels like a treat to you and you spent so long not treating yourself that you struggle to deny yourself of treats now for fear that restriction will take over again.

I’m here with you. I know this fear is real for you. I believe you. I want you to know you won’t be taken over again. I’m here. You are so far from being taken over. You have a sturdiness you never had before. You could be overtaken by any idea, any product, any group, any thing in the past. That sense that you had found an answer took over you like a wave. It stopped being a productive crutch though, when you couldn’t sleep, you were getting headaches, and you told yourself you just had to push past that discomfort to be skinner. That it would be worth it.

Worth what though my love? I know how far down that over-taking you went. I was there then too. This caffeine worry you have now is intrinsically connected to the worries you had then - “am I good enough?” 

You are enough, babe. You working out without caffeine is enough. You working out with caffeine is enough. You not working out is enough. Do you see that it’s you that’s enough and not what you do? Or what you don’t do?

We talked recently about “enough” not being the goal. Hustling for enoughness is a vapor, who you are is not. That’s what’s important here. 

I’m here with you as you make every effort to take care of yourself. The things that feel hard that you think you need to do to take care of yourself aren’t a good fit honey. It shouldn’t be that hard. I know you’re skeptical when things are easy, and that makes sense. You’ve had to work so HARD to find your “place” amongst other people in this Earth School.

You don’t have to do that now.

Let things be easy. If you want caffeine, let’s have some. Don’t double dip the negative side effects though. Don’t NOT enjoy it while you indulge AND have your teeth hurt AND beat yourself up for the fact that you should’ve known better and not done it. Enjoy it my love. And only do that which brings you joy.

Ha! What a fucking platitude. But it’s true! Get that Alani, enjoy it coming down. And don’t do it tomorrow if you don’t want. Or do if you want!

This isn’t a zero sum game. We don’t have to live in the black and white anymore. You’re not an addict, you don’t need to be sober. We’re sober with our grayness. And we know you love gray.

Let all the colors mix together to gray, love. I’m here.

All the colors mix together, to gray. -Dave Matthews Band