Grief & Friendship
Dear Unconditional Love - What would you have me know today?
I’m here, love. I know grief and friendship are on your mind today. We can always talk about anything that’s on your mind. Or not, hun. This isn’t about having the right topic or the right approach or the right question. This is about our ever present connection together.
Hearing your favorite grief song, Glitter, always brings up the feels for you. That makes sense. It’s from your friend Christina who lost her daughter, Addi. You two connected over the shared loss of your daughters, and connected over the connection to this song.
She also shared “I Never Wanted Anything More Than I’ve Wanted You” with you. And that cuts deep. That sentiment is something you feel strongly that you wish other people could understand. Why can’t other people understand that baby showers aren’t something you can fathom being a part of when someone is having a little girl? Or when you’re in a vulnerable place? You can’t pretend to feel joyful. It hurts your bones. I get that, it makes sense.
You’ve spent so much of your life pretending, my love. There’s no need for that anymore. I’m so proud of you for being so in touch with what you need. I hate that we had to lose Hope for that to be kickstarted in your life. Because then you didn’t have a choice. Your capacity was less than zero. You had no extra to give.
Going on medical leave from your job is no joke. Most people would not have listened to that need. You support people through HAND who can’t take that time off. I’m so proud of you for doing that. Your combined grief made life unliveable, work unworkable. Had you done what your conditioning has guided you to do and “sucked it up buttercup” you would’ve been even more miserable than you were. Gosh what a phase for us, my love. A journey.
Friendship is like that too, you know. And no, you’re not forcing me back to this topic with your mind. I’m here. I know you need both today.
Friendship is a journey where your needs change, your capacity changes. Grief and friendship are all coming up for you because they go together. When you think of grief you think of Hope, Grandpa Red, Dallas, Bogey. But you also have so many friends who didn’t pass on to the other side that you have so much grief for. They are still here earthside with us, but your friendship has passed. That feels so heavy because it’s still a loss whether or not they’ve passed on. It’s almost harder when they don’t. So many more questions, less defined answers.
I’m here to tell you that the only answer you need is that love moved through you all during a time that was so important. You went through things together that were necessary and joyful, and necessary and hard. The hurtful feelings you felt are valid. Your part in where you all stand is valid too. I know you see them so much more clearly now. You understand why they couldn’t be there for you. I thought that might feel weird for you to hear. I know you don’t believe that you understand, because you don’t. But you SEE them. It’s not about understanding, it’s about seeing.
When you told Ashley about your conversations with me, she was so dear in holding you in a place of SEEING. She said she didn’t understand AND she sees you. That’s what this life is all about. Being held and seen. Being held and free. You’ve found that with these sisters now. It’s ok to enjoy your time with them, don’t waste it being afraid of losing them. Treat them as their own individual people. Because they are.
How much did you want to cry when you heard they were planning a surprise for you? That spoke to you so deeply, because you see so much in people and do so much for them. Having something done for you is the greatest gift you need. It’s being seen for you. Especially when you don’t ask.
They are your family, my love. I can assure you of that. And families go through phases too. I say that not to scare you. I say that because I want you to know you can trust the phases of this Earth School, you don’t have to fear them. We will ride the waves of them together. I will love you through them all. Remember, all you have to do is be.
Grief is just like glitter, it’s hard to brush away, bright lights and it still shimmers, like it was yesterday. And it falls like confetti, all of the memories explode like a hand grenade. And it’s sweet and it’s bitter, grief it’s like glitter, oh what a mess it makes.