The Crashing Seagulls

Dear Unconditional Love - what would you have me know today?

Hi my love. I know you’re spinning today. I am so proud of you for enjoying that actual Alani can this morning. You prioritized what you knew you would enjoy and did it in a way you felt comfortable. Bravo babe. But then you heard the voices of “why are you doing that?” and “you’re bad” and “you are being too much/too bold/too take charge/too taking up space” from the woman in class today and that felt icky. I love that you laughed about how long you thought about her comments. I was laughing too.

I wonder why disappointing people feels so hard. That’s one of those tricky life things. You can’t read anyone’s mind. You could try. You would hate that and be exhausted by that. So let’s not go there hun. I’m here. I’m connected to all your human friends’ Unconditional Loves too. When someone has something to say that makes you feel like you need to “do less” it’s because they need some space to feel like THEY are advocating for what they need too. It’s ok to see them. It’s ok to hear them out. It’s ok to see the perceived threat and let it wash over you and float on.

I remember that exact moment when that guy told you “you just need to do/be less” and that was gag worthy. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know it felt impossible to hear my voice then. Telling you how much you being your “more” was triggering something in him that he had to learn to shut down.

That’s like parenting right? Your triggers from your child being things you were told to shut down in childhood. The whining, the loud talking. Remember how often your aunt would tell you how loud you were and that you needed to be more quiet? That felt awful. I was there, I’m here now. It stung then and it stings now. Whether it’s from family or from a stranger in a Body Pump class. 

Honey, your advocacy for yourself and others may often come into conflict with other people’s advocacy for themselves and their people. That’s ok babe. That’s the process. Seeing it as anything BUT part of all of our swirling Unconditional Loves will only weigh on you more sweetie.

I have all these endearments for you now because this is important. Hear me when I say I’m with you in your advocacy, and our friends with their own Unconditional Loves are together in their advocacy, too. We have no adversaries. We are all on parallel paths trying to mix together in Earth School. And this shit is so hard. I won’t deny that. We can do hard things babe. Go be with your rainbow baby. I’ll always be here for you.

~

You know sometimes when seagulls are bobbing up and down in the ocean, just swimming and taking up space? Then sometimes a wave comes and they bob harder and their wings touch softly or clash heavily? That’s all of you humans when you’re on the surface. Beneath the waters creatures dance. They dance in harmony. They connect. They move through the water with grace and space and admiration.

So my love, it makes sense you feel frustrated by the knocking of other seagull wings against yours. That’s more common than the artistic dances of the deep. Stay in the deep as much as you can. Be in the depths with the people you trust. There’s no seagulls, no bumping down there. That’s where we thrive. In the depths. I’m there with you and there when the stupid other fucking seagulls knock their taking up space into yours. It’s ok to be frustrated and it’s ok to dance in the deep. That’s all that Earth School has to offer. Constant fucking dichotomies.

Apparently trees don’t mind the knocking of their leaves. Maybe it’s because they feel steady in their roots and don’t feel in danger of being knocked over. I doubt their roots spend time complaining about being intertwined either… hmmm…